Jokes - Some of Which Might Even Be Funny
“It’s good to finally meet with you,” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said to President Obama, “and I am happy you didn’t insist on any preconditions. I just want to start these talks by saying there was no Holocaust.”
Obama sat there silently.
“Furthermore,” Ahmadinejad continued, “I will destroy Israel and dance around its stinking corpse!”
Obama said nothing.
“I also plan to obtain nuclear weapons and use them against the Jews. Or America. Maybe against Jewish Americans.”
Obama did not respond.
“By the way, in honor of your visit, we’re hanging a teenager for being a homosexual and stoning a woman for being raped. Then we’re throwing a small child into a pit of snakes for conspiring with the infidel Elmo.”
Obama continued to be silent, not even looking directly at Ahmadinejad but somewhat past him.
“I will destroy America!” Ahmadinejad shouted. “I will then dance around its stinking corpse which will be a much bigger stinking corpse than Israel’s — like a beached whale. And I will be able to destroy America because I have the power of Grayskull… I mean Allah!”
Obama said not a word.
Ahmadinejad shot to his feet. “I mock and deride America’s freedom! I spit on it, and I spit on you!” He spat on Obama.
Obama didn’t even move.
“I will destroy everything you hold dear. Freedom will be destroyed! I think so little of you and your country that I shall urinate upon you!” Ahmadinejad pulled down his pants and peed on Obama’s leg. “There! I am urinating on you and… Oh. I got a little on myself. This may have been a little overboard. Anyway, I have urinated mainly on you; do you have nothing to say?”
Obama had nothing to say.
“Furthermore…” Ahmadinejad grabbed one of Obama’s shoes and pulled it off. He then squatted over it. “I am now defecating in your shoe! This is how little I think of you and your country! Say something, fool! Say something now that I have pooed in your shoe!”
Obama finally looked directly at Ahmadinejad and motioned for him to come closer. When Ahmadinejad did, Obama whispered in his ear, “Uh, um, they’re ah, still um, loading my, ah, teleprompter.”
Ahmadinejad looked around and then whispered back, “Well… how long will that take?”
“Um, ah, I don’t ah, know. Ah, uhh, it seems to be ah, um, ah, malfunctioning. Ah, ah, ah, it could take a um, ah, few um, minutes.”
Ahmadinejad thought for a moment and then whispered, “So what do we talk about until then?”
“Um… well… did you see uh, Gossip Girl ah, last night?”
ANTHRAX SCARE IN MICHIGAN
Lions football practice was delayed nearly two hours late this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Head Coach Rod Marinelli immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.
Practice resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a ‘more humane’ solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, ‘Son, I don’t think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain’t fucking our sheep - they’re eatin’ ‘em!’
First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and lectured, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
Today’s Most Awful Joke Ever:
Farrah Fawcett gets to Heaven and is met at the gate by Saint Peter. He says, “Farrah, you have led a good life and always gave of what you had to help others, plus that poster was just smokin’, so I have decided to give you a wish before you enter. What would you like?”
Farrah gives this serious thought, and says, “I wish for all the children on earth to be safe.” Five minutes later Michael Jackson drops stone dead.
Don’t hold your breath. You can look forward to wall-to-wall MJ Media coverage for at least the next six months as they sort out his estate. Remember the dead bimbo from a couple of years back? I’m sure all the remaining Jacksons will be more than willing to provide plenty of antics to keep it going and the Media will be so relieved to have something trivial to blather about rather than the more and more obvious shortcomings of the Big O’s policies.
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
Washington, DC — June 23, 2009
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.
The move is being made in order to save the President’s $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.
It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President’s term. “We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). “We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Reynolds noted.
Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY; thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night. “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.
“I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.”
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson.
“Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.”
Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.
A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama’s extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile. (Actually K-Mart would be a better choice because he could use a teleprompter to announce Blue Light Specials, too).
The balloonist
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
A devout man lived by a flooding riverbank. As the flood waters began to enter his home, he climbed up on to his roof. Another man in a boat came by and asked the devout man if he’d like a ride.
“No thanks,” he said. “I’m a man of God. All I need to do is pray, and God will save me.”
“Suit yourself,” the boatsman said, and moved on to the next house.
Several hours later, the flood waters were lapping at the edges of the man’s roof. Another boatist came by and offered to help the man.
“I need no intervention from fellow man,” the man said, “All I need to do is pray, and God will save me.”
“Okay, if you insist,” the boatsman said, and putted off to the next house.
Hours later, the waters had nearly overcome the man’s roof. He was holding on to a chimney for dear life, praying. A helicopter appeared overhead and a soldier rappelled down with a basket. He tried to help the man into the basket, but the man pushed the soldier away, shouting over the chopper’s blades, “I am a man of God! I do not need your help! All I need to do is pray, and God will save me!”
“But sir!” the soldier pleaded. “You don’t have much roof left! Please let me save you!”
“Only God can save me!” the man insisted. Finally, the soldier gave up and the helicopter moved on. Not long after, the sweeping waters crested over the man’s roof; he lost his footing, fell into the dirty water and drowned.
In Heaven, he meets his maker, and is somewhat indignant. “God, your word says that all I had to do was pray for your help, and you would help me! I don’t understand why I’m here!”
And God says, “Neither do I! I sent two boats and a helicopter to save you!”
(Hmm, well, it’s not so funny when I tell it, but when I read it a couple days ago somewhere, I thought it was riotously funny. Maybe it was the fever.)
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
